Growing up was a chore when I was younger. I never really had a close bond with my mother and I was always searching for something. What that something was I still don't know.
But now, as an adult I have had a hard time trusting people around me. I think people have to prove themselves to me for me to welcome them with open arms. Thats been my downfall.
The best way I can explain it would be that since I wasn't given a nurturing relationship with my mother, it's hard for me to be comfortable with those around me. I have never been "comfortable" around crowds or at parties.
I never had the confidence within myself. Growing confidence is difficult. But it's not entirely unattainable. Through years of hard work, I have accepted my mother as who she is and moved forward. I have been able to give myself completely to those I love, despite my fears. I think it's all been about getting hurt.
To counteract that feeling, I try to remember how it felt as a child that wasn't doted on and draw strength on my will to be loved unconditionally.
It's helped me to trust those around me and to give love spiritually. I'm not mad at God anymore and I find myself wanting to be close to others. Not having that guarded feeling anymore. Always in the back of your mind, you're thinking "what if." But generally I am more trusting.
It's only taken me half a lifetime to figure this out. Better late than never!!!
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